Take on the World

Take on the world.

“So what is Success? Tonight, think to yourself about what success means / is to you. Everyone has a different perspective.” said my Aunt Tao.

Oddly enough to my discussion with her, Dad started a conversation of the family moving out of the city to a nice, expensive home a city or two away when my two younger siblings and I are through with college. I just nodded, knowing that perhaps it won’t happen. If it did, it will be nice, but does it really define success? Money, work, posession, and power? I did believe so with these ideas growing up with parents who lived in poor conditions when they were children. Everyone has a different definition of success. Little, more, or less does my dad – or anyone – realize this.

Success must come from failure and outlining my future. This September I am turning twenty years old. I’m not going to live as a single woman my whole life. I will probably never see a dreamhouse lifestyle or live with my parents after college. I am going to have a relationship in the future and get married because I will fall in love. I am waiting for my children to be born into this world and share many stories and values with them. I will have a good job I enjoy and make decent money to provide and support my family. I will be there for those I care about without hesitation or much frustration, being considerate and conservative. Sure, money will provide whatever is wanted and needed. Work should be enjoyable. Posession and power is two-sided. What matters is that success is to feel good. Whether it be a decision, outcome, or self-accomplishment – it takes hard work and support to feel and be successful. How does your emotion run when you’re achieving your dream? Imagine a discovery that will put your heart at its content. Success is simple – it is to feel pure happiness – and good.

Analyze.
The truth is revealed.

I like everything organized, straight, and clean – that goes for my room too. I color-coordinate and section my clothes (by tops, bottoms, and dresses), sort important past school paperwork and documents into folders, etc., and display decorative items that defines the person I am. Keep the room presentable. So I convinced May that we should recycle un-neccessary items (I’m sure we recycled over 35 lbs of paper) and buy a bookcase to keep a neat space. Our project was built and we divided our room to two parts as our “exercise area” and “study area” when school is in session. This makes me want to purchase comfty cushions for the hard wooden floor since we have no room for a desk. I should have bought a few from Korea! They were super-comfortable, I remember.

I keep myself busy. I prefer a schedule over none. I would memorize a schedule to feel super-confident, more than double-check and triple-check it, and inform people. My appearance is unflattering in my face because of my straight smile and seriousness. I only smile when I laugh because I really dislike my teeth. Vampire-like, an underbite, and of course, chipped and non-gleam. Don’t get surprised when I get out of my comfort zone and try to get to know anyone. I need people to feel gentleness and homey. Also, don’t feel taken aback by my animated or monotone voice. I love sales, flipping through Sunday newspapers for store ads, and I am not very great with my selections when I come across something nicer and more expensive. I have a difficult time deciding on what I should get when there are different styles or colours of the exact item. I dress funky, new, trendy, and have a weakness for clothes. Thus I am not conservative with money although I am currently trying very, very hard. People often think I am not afraid to bring attention to myself. I would raise an eyebrow (not perfectly though) for they have viewed me in such complete nonsense and thank them for their compliment. I believe I am able to express myself in whatever way – I cannot go outside in a plain outfit. If I do, I feel hideous. It’s just a disorder for me. I dress the way I do because of yet-to-be-name disorder. I am mindful, polite, and fast-paced. I am rude, full of attitude, and undeserving, too. I could be any emotion, description, and adjective.

I don’t have an excellent vision. So I wear a thick-lens glasses and anticipate and worry about the future at this time of a sad economic process. Right now I don’t think like that anymore. I live the present to the fullest and make sure I don’t stress about my future. I like to listen 80% and talk 20% of the time when I’m in a conversation unless people crown me the dictator. I also like to have people know I’m listening so I will nod, say ‘Yes’ or ‘Uh-huh’. Most of the time, I ask too many questions that I feel like I am hearing a story, which is good. I like hearing stories. I worry sick about my friends and family members. I dislike being disliked so I do my best to be fair. It can sometimes get worse because I will start to take things personally. I am super-friendly. I communicate well with others but if they don’t reply back, that part is on them. If no one in class has something to say, I am of the few who come quickest to volunteer whatever comes to mind and carry the discussion. I like to be involved with the community or school just because giving back and being a part of something I enjoy makes me a better learner and person, also improving what needs to be. I get in-depth if I am involved in a deep conversation or discussion and I don’t mind going in details. Most of the time, I believe I am better than everyone else because I am not the perfect-go person with better morals and ethics. That is to say, I am not self-centered or not caring. I just don’t want to be what is presented as a bad image seen in modern day’s society. I honestly don’t consider having a wild or party night out or doing illegal actions. The only advice I would give is: Feel responsible for everything that was done, that needs to be done, and decided on. Oh, and do your best because it is up to you.

I work hard for myself, the organizations I participate in, and for my immediate family. I do my best under stress thus no one thinks I have personal issues or a hard life or complicated parents or failure. So those no one people freak out when I breakdown, stating it is not me. But it is. Everything I do is me. I can’t blame anyone, anything, or reason to make up for things I failed at. I just gotta keep strong and open-minded to new cultures.

Nothing beats the feeling of self-accomplishment.

The final post. See you next time, blog and readers – Thank you Thank you Thank you for reading. Thank you for using this blog as your guide as an exchange student. Your support and feedback truly helped me create better and positive energy. I’ll be on another study abroad adventure in a few years. :3

Yolei

It was Amazing.

After a year.

August 22nd.

It has been a year. 365 days. ♥

I wasn’t here in the United States from August 23rd, 2008 to May 30th, 2009.

‘Cause of that I feel cool (:

♥

I still freak out about Korea in a good sense. I become completely breathless when Korea is brought up. I know this feeling cannot be described more than said. No misconception .. It is more than a missing feeling or a feeling of emptiness, a feeling of jealousy or craving to step foot and live in Korea again. A need to breathe Korea, holding and replaying remaints of whatever memories I have. I don’t even remember more than half of my exchange until I look back at my 10,000 pictures, blog posts, and newsletters.

I wouldn’t praise myself for how I acted when I left for Korea. I was perhaps a very good candidate, proud and aware that even though I was growing independent, I would always care for my family and others. I never wanted to leave home – I just wanted to study abroad. I was 100% positive I was going to have an awesome year. I just had to put effort and be open to doing new and unexpected things. Adjust to a new lifestyle and be proud of who and what I was becoming. I had to grow out of my old habits in order to live a new life. This way, I would be mature and not be self-center and care for those who are dear to me. I am a grown up, I should act respectfully and professionally. I should be responsible for myself as my host families and Rotary would be. Like mom and dad says, I should learn how to be more well-mannered and open-minded. I have fulfilled that, Mom and Dad.

It was my idea to study abroad. I fought for it. I think my parents have forgotten this. I wanted it more than anything in the world. A decade of wishing, hoping, restlessly praying that I would be studying abroad in Japan South Korea.

Who knows where life would take me?

Prayers for my grandmother tomorrow for the blessed safety from her in South Korea.

Today was an awesome day. Rocked the HmoobTeen and Hmong spirit in today’s 8th annual CHAT Art Festival event.

( :
I’m cheerful.
Content.

It was amazing.

The Story Continued ..

May 31st. pt.2

Mom and Khou said they wouldn’t be at the airport and would be busy preparing my favorite food for me. A week prior to my departure from Korean land I was somewhat upset they wouldn’t be coming, but in the end I was okay with their decision. But when I swam through the huge metallic elevator door, and before I passed the glass doors, I saw my dad with his camcorder in his hands, and my sisters and brothers, and my mom. I dashed to them, calling out, “Mom!~; completely ignorant of everyone else around me – dragging my heavy load behind me, and approached my mom! She surprised me by coming and I started crying. My mom, cute and short, came to hug me and I couldn’t believe I reacted like this. I remember discussing on the plane with Amanda that I couldn’t imagine myself emotional in front of my family. May was taking pictures and after our reunion, we said G’Bye to Amanda and headed to the car. I don’t know how I felt, but I was relieved, safe, sad, and happy. I hadn’t slept much however I had so much energy. An easy transition for me, really. I couldn’t shut up, talking about Korea nonstop, stating, “Wow! I didn’t realize how small this place was!” I was gushing about everything in my house and May thought I would turn out quieter and Khou thought I was really annoying maybe because she knows too much about Korea. I would mention a few things here and there. “You Americans have this ~ We Koreans have this ~” (: I unpacked gifts and talked until 3 in the morning. My aunt and baby cousin came over to see me. I have never felt so .. powerful. My ‘rents were cool with everything.

My dad had said either Joseph stay home with mom or come pick me up from the airport. I had wanted Joseph to come and later my mom made up her mind after thinking this was only going to happen once and I was coming home after a long time. Khou tagged along after mom confirmed she was coming to see me. Even now, up-to-date, my ‘rents haven’t heard my full Korean experience from day one and they haven’t read my blog or newsletters. I always encouraged them while I was abroad and I’m sure they  read a few. I frequently informed them about how I was doing through my siblings or the phone. I hope one day my ‘rents can read my blog and newsletters. I will make a book for them.

Everyone here is different. Everyone has changed.

To sum up the whole three months since I came back: I went to see my brother’s graduation the next day (June 1st) and felt completely exhausted when it was time for his walk. I didn’t tell most of my friends about coming home because I wanted to surprise everyone. Some of my friends had a picnic the day before I came home although I had informed them about post-poning it. Later that week I went to a picnic that happened every year and it was great to see everyone there. I didn’t have the chance to talk much about my experience abroad because everyone was focused on college and had grown closer with each other. I went to a HmoobTeen Magazine meeting and dance and everyone welcomed me back. Just last week I went on a retreat with the magazine crew in the wilderness. Shortly after I arrived and adjusted back to home lifestyle, Dr. Kim had a party for the rebounds, exchange students from Korea, and students who are headed to Korea. It was a good party with delicious Korean food. (: I had coffee with an old friend from school / past leader of an organization I joined, who is a past exchange student with Rotary. She went to Japan in high school and studied abroad in Korea in college. She was hoping to teach abroad in Korea since she has graduated this year from college. While she drove me home, she got a phone call from the place she applied at and she has been in Korea for more than a week now and she should be teaching very soon.

(: five is whole / you can’t see our goofy faces ~

I spent a lot of time with my family before I headed to college for the summer. Although I’m in a huge financial crisis, I had a great experience in college and fell in love with every person I met. I opened up and was soon a positive ringleader and was considered very motherly and caring. I miss everyone from my summer home (that’s college) and I’m sure I am missed too. The friends I made in college are the friends I want to keep forever. My life in Korea changed the person I am, allowing me to approach others and clarify myself better than before. And unexpectedly, I am more connected to Korea that I have ever thought – meeting a student who has studied abroad in Budapest, meeting a mentor who studied abroad in Korea for a semester when I was also in Korea, meeting students who love Korean music, and meeting Korean people who stayed in the dormitory I stayed in. I also created a video about myself and Korea in my Digital Storytelling class.

I won’t use my experience abroad against anyone but myself and I feel as though I can easily connect my adventures abroad with someone who has already studied abroad or someone who loves learning about new cultures. Every experience is different.

I’ve been so busy I haven’t gotten the time to think about my Korean experience until early August over the rebound weekend and the time I spent working on my Rotary presentation.

You are dearly missed; Hannah Elizabeth, Amanda Miko, Sakurai Risa, Becca, Alyssa, and Amanda S. + Yong-Hee and Doori

Anyhow. Gotta get back upstairs to my renovated room. Decortating my room with Korean items and showering my world with my new culture.

♥

Deep

I went back to edit a few of my previous posts from my last days in Korea.

May 31st. pt.1

I anticipated coming home for the last two days. Before, I was sulking. From day one, I understood my departure will come someday, and with the sad and happy feeling I sucked up my final hours in South Korea. I easily accepted it. Heavy luggage and my host parents leaving me by myself early because they needed to attend church instead of sending me off. Odd because church didn’t begin until later on and does church matter more than seeing me for the last time? Anywho, my host parents loaded everything on a cart and told me to wait for my Rotary counselor to come after purchasing some seaweed. I was fortunate for Risa’s Omma to help Amanda and I. One of my suitcases was overweight and I threw away a few items. Yong-Hee came to me lastly and I packed a few items in my suitcase and Risa’s Omma bought big bags for Amanda and I as our carry-on. Amanda’s and Hannah’s school friends came to see us off. My counselor bought me brunch because my omma rushed me to the airport and I had nothing to eat. The end? It was .. the most bittersweet moment. I miss everyone. Amanda and I left, through the gate we went, coming to Korea together and leaving together. To the immigration area where we dropped and handed our alien card over. Korean alien? That’s me. Was me.

“C’mon. Let’s go!~ To America! It’s time! Whoo! America!” I’m dragging Amanda off her host mother. I smile at everyone and felt confident. I glanced back from the departure gate and yelled out, “한국, 사랑해요!!” (I love (you) Korea!)

We made it safely and were awesome with our time and golly, I am stunned at how good we were despite having heavy luggages.

Narita / Japan = So long, farewell. Immigration process = Easy.

“We’re home!”

Big doors, big suitcases, big elevators .. And to my family.

(to be continued in the next post)

Thank you, Yong-Hee, for the departing pictures, memories, relieving my boredom at school, opening up, being thoughtful and generous, and being my Korean BFF who showed me that a natural, heartwarming friendship does exist.

I truly missssssssssssssss you.

How about something “deep.” For once. In every while. Thoughts just cross my mind, and I can’t find anywhere else to place them because writing does not flow when I’m journal-ing.

“That’s how your grandmother died.” I stared at my dad, worried if he’ll breakdown. I hold my breath, feeling hatred towards every murderer in the world. My dad’s eyes are still fixed on the war movie, trapped in the trap that we both glared at, and I found myself speechless, searching for a grandmother who I will never meet, aunts and an uncle who I would never get to know. I want my grandmother’s comfort, I want to know her more than anyone else in the world.

Please don’t be tramautized or sad anymore, I think to myself, still glancing at the grainy, dark, black and white family photo of my dad and his family. It is hanging above the kitchen table and is the only hanging photograph out of about 30 I would look at.

May I fold you paper money, Grandmother? Am I allowed to burn them for you? Are you going to share them with my aunts and uncle? Everyone always forget about my aunts and uncle. Are they more at peace than you are? Because you were sent away earlier to a place safer than Heaven and they followed you shortly. You left the stubborn child to survive. Do you think of how scared and lonely he was, hiding and shaking, injured in the dark hole when there were killing inspectors looking to make sure everyone was killed? Maybe you watched my dad carefully, making sure he will always be safe as you pray for and fight to protect him. He escaped the country and made it across the Mekong River with a banana tree, all by himself. You should be proud. Are you angry that Grandfather (and your older son) fled, remarried an unloving woman, and didn’t care for my dad until my dad proved Grandfather that he is afterall, successful?

I have had strange encounters, angry that my grandmother hurt my mother spiritually when she formed as a snake, slithering along the porch, passing my parents’ room. She was watching and with her pressence from my backyard, upset with my father’s promise.

That’s another story.

Once again.

“That’s how your grandmother died.” I stared at my dad, worried if he’ll breakdown. I hold my breath, feeling hatred towards every murderer in the world. My dad’s eyes are still fixed on the war movie, trapped in the trap that we both glared at, and I found myself speechless, searching for a grandmother who I will never meet, aunts and an uncle who I would never get to know. I want my grandmother’s comfort, I want to know her more than anyone else in the world.

That memory still sticks with me.
And just the other day.

“Mom, I don’t remember how grandpa’s voice sounded like. Do you?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Of course I do. He’s my father.”

Love.

What is love?

When I think of love, I think of the love I have for myself and family love.

And it turns out people think about a relationship kind of love. I used to think of it that way when I was very young.

It is okay now to say my parents are made and not made for each other. It is okay to state that they are separated at heart but still very loving towards my siblings and I. It is okay to accept a reality that isn’t perfect and ideal, but a life that is worth living and dreaming.

Death.

What is there to fear? I always thought of that. Now I am scared of death. Because if I died, who will take care of those I care for?

Death is a lot of things. Not always the literal meaning. Death can be when a person doesn’t care anymore. Because without the person caring, then there doesn’t exist anything. The caring died and what could be the reason? Who should be responsible for it?

And death again.

It is a very sad, heartbreaking tragic I swallow emotionally.

Ghosts? They should be called Spirits.

They aren’t always scary. Because they remember you, they come to see you. And maybe you miss them somewhat.

Ah.

Summer cleaning. Dreading over college money. Refreshing weather. Raindrops and rain showers remind me of Korea.

History is written. Well, let me make it: History is also spoken.

These days I’ve been speaking fluent Hmong (so much that I make my family laugh because of my jokes ;D) and digging my family history, astonished with my parents’ survival and tragedies. I’ve always liked listening to their autobiography. Just their stories over and over again, wrapping my thoughts around theirs, locking away my mind and filling it with old facts. Only when I ask for them to repeat their stories .. They used to tell me these stories when I was younger. I didn’t ask. Now that I’m older, they don’t anymore. So I ask. Now I observe. When I look in my parents’ eyes, I see fear, sadness, and pain. Sometimes their expression falls with dull colors and I would nod my head, hoping to feel enlightened and understanding. I try very hard to lighten the atmosphere, but I am caught breathless and it’s unexplainable for me to be caught in emotion. I am lucky my mom is more opened and even though her eyes turn red, her voice is calm and her words are lyrical – detailed, precise, and imaginitive. As for my dad, he pauses, sounds awkward and almost shaky, slurring words without much background. Just short and precise, like the man he has grown to be. I always stumble to ask for more, but find myself almost in tears because I carry his fear as my own, picturing a massacre and sacred memories that continues to haunt him. Abandoned, without much spoken, I am vast and careful when I ask something because I have learned to respect his silent character. I wish I could be classic with an old tape recorder in my hands so when I’m the same age as my parents, I can replay the tape again. They did this for me when I was a baby. Maybe it could be my lullaby when my parents are at peace. I wish many times I was born in Laos or Thailand in Ban Vinai Refugee Camp because I would feel more privlege to be Hmong instead of being labeled as someone who is totally Americanized.

Because if you or a family member has suffered, shouldn’t you do your best and live a life that would lead you to wonderful things?

A family’s trusting love is the best love ever.

I will always stick up for you, care for you, help you, protect you, and treat you like family.

XOXO,
Yolei

My dad came to the United States about 30 years ago and is a citizen, speaks fluent English, can read English, and works an important job. My mom came to the United States about 25 years ago and is working to get her citizenship, speaks fluent English, and can read English, Laotian, and Thai. They are both hard-working people who tries to fit with society so that they can provide a good life for my siblings and I. They are both critical in our behavior and our heritage. And for all they have done, I value family more than anything else in the world.

패밀리가 떴다 / Family Outing

This is one of my two favorite comedy shows in South Korea – except this one is a reality show! 패밀리가 떴다 / Family Outing features a cast of actual celebrities who go on an adventure in the suburbs. There they play games to see who will be the cook .. And there are usually celebrity guests. (: It’s a really hilarious TV show that I would spend Sundays watching.

Fine Dining

Yesterday I had dinner with my parents, my Rotary inbound/outbound coordinator, and a few Rotarians from my Rotary Club. Questions were thrown at me and I approached them with as much as I could remember. I really enjoyed the evening and look forward to a newly development idea in the club for communicating with future youth exchange students (especially for those who are going to South Korea) as a mentor. Since the Rotary rebound weekend, I am now a part of Rotex, which I hope to participate in the many years to come.

a video I found very interesting from my college orientation in June

Presentation

Year Review at today’s Rotary Luncheon = Awesome  : )

(will post up presentation by November – Please come back to see!!)

“Alien”

http://mediamill.cla.umn.edu/mediamill/embed/38281

As most of you know, the reason I’ve been so slow with everything was college. I made this piece with my original photographs in my Digital Storytelling class. : ) This video was about my feelings before and after Korea.

너라고 (It’s You)

Super Junior

My Heaven